The Burden of Blood

He was the golden child of the family – his mother’s favourite. And yet, at the end of her life, he still broke her heart with his actions.

He always liked acting like a rich fellow – but he’s drowning in financial debts, yet unrepentant.

Sometimes, he would take loans under the name of others – and yet not pay the loans – and cause severe hardship to others.

He projects himself as a religious fellow, a Syariah legal expert and goes to the Holy Land for the Umrah every year and several times for the Hajj – but he has forged signatures, embezzled the property of others (including his own mother’s) without remorse and regret.

He would insist that he has no money to pay his loans – and yet spend lavishly on himself and his own family – and would willingly let others suffer the consequences of his actions. And he blames everything that happens to him on circumstances – the banks, the economy, the business partners – but never himself.

I’ve been the victims of his actions several times – too many times. I’ve even forked out money to settle one of his loans under my name.

And many times, his mistakes have cost me dearly – unknowingly to many people, I’ve had to live a lifestyle that’s significantly below my capacity, because of the burden that he has inconsiderately shouldered upon me. Even though my own financial prudence and standing, is sterling.

I’ve had to suffer in relative silence – sometimes, giving silly excuses to others, which just makes me look plain bad, as a man. Or perceived to be plain broke – even when I’m not.

And many times, I have found the space to still forgive him.

I keep hoping for change, I keep waiting for remorse and God forbid, an apology for all the hurt and detriment that he had caused to my life.

I keep waiting for a clue – that maybe he does give a damn about what he has done to me.

After 6 years, I think my patience has finally found its limit. And I find myself, unable to forgive any further. I feel stupid, both past and present.

I thank God that Mum is not alive to see him turn into this selfish hypocrite who does not give a damn about anyone else and simply does not take responsibility for his actions. He is for all intents and purposes – financially reckless – and seemingly unashamed of it.

As the Malay saying of that contemptuous lifestyle – “biar papa, asal bergaya” – it is the ugliest of Malay traits, other than hasad dengki.

Once again and for the final time – I shall pick up the heavy burden of settling his loan under my name, so that it will not trouble me again in the future.

Enough is enough – after this, he would have lost my respect as not only a younger brother, but also as a human being.

And I hope he obtains God’s forgiveness for his utter disregard of me – because he will not have mine, until he changes for the better. And God help him, should he die the same awful person that he is right now. I will never forgive and I remember everything.

Blood is not always thicker than water. And even in families, love and respect must be continously earned – it is not due by birthright.

Today – you have lost me, Abang.

But don’t worry, you will not notice – because you’ve never valued anything that’s important, anyway – just the things that make you look distinguished and wealthy, in society’s eyes.